My Number One Unnatural Fear…

Birds. I hate birds.  And let me tell you why.

It all started when I was in college. My friend Shannon was going away for a week and asked me to house sit.  Being home all summer, living with my parents  again, I jumped at the chance to spend a week by myself.  I knew that house sitting also involved taking care of her sweet dog and her bird.  It would be easy.  After all, I absolutely LOVE dogs and the bird was safely ensconced in a cage, so as long as I fed it once or twice a day, it would be fine.

My first mistake was assuming that the bird would like me. WRONG!  The first time I fed it, it nipped at my finger. OK, so nipped is not the right word.  It practically ATE my finger!  I  mean, here I am trying to feed the darn thing and it’s attacking my hand like a Hannibal Lechter with wings.  Suffice it to say, it was a rough week.  And the bird talked- all the time. It talked all night; it talked during my favorite TV shows; it talked while I was fixing each and every meal.  It seemed to talk during those times that I wanted peace and quiet. Oh, it knew how to push my buttons.

Fast forward 10 years to when I got married. For the first year of our marriage, we lived in an apartment complex in Tucker.  One day, I came home and was walking up the stairs to our third floor apartment when I suddenly heard this horrible screeching sound. I turned around just in time to be grazed on the nose by a, yep- BIRD!  And when I say “grazed” I really mean “ran right into me at 30 miles an hour.  My nose actually hurt.  Dazed and confused, I ran upstairs to my sweet husband, who I knew would comfort me and hopefully, go kill the bird.

I walked into the apartment and this was our conversation:

Me: (holding my nose) – Hon, I just got attacked by a bird.

Chris:  No, you didn’t.

Me:  Yes, I did!  It flew right at me and pecked my nose.

Chris:  A bird did not attack you. It probably flew close to you and just scared you a bit.  Maybe it nipped you with its wing or something.

Laurie: No, it attacked me.

Chris:  (placating me, obviously):  OK honey, whatever you say.

You can imagine the stare I then gave him and the choice words that came out of my mouth.

The next morning, Chris got up, got dressed, fixed his coffee and left for work.  As I was getting in the shower, the phone rang.  It was Chris.  “Hey.  Um, yeah, that bird will attack you. Just wanted you to know.”

Really, Sherlock?  How do you know that?  Did the bird just happen to attack you too?  HA!  Redemption 🙂  Apparently, the bird had built its nest in the bushes next to our stairs and was just protecting it’s babies. Whatever. I parked on the other side of the building for the remainder of our time in that apartment.

I mean, have you every really noticed birds? All they do is sit in trees and on power lines, just waiting to attack some innocent bystander. And they incessantly chirp, chirp, chirp away.  It drives me crazy!

Yes, I hate birds.  And I think the feeling is mutual.


One response to “My Number One Unnatural Fear…

  1. Shannon Greene

    Oh now come on…… bird wasn’t THAT bad!

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